Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
![]()
You Might Also Like
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
This could be us… but you playing
![]()
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I wish this was real life…
![]()
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.