Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
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Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Omg 🤣
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?