Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.