Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
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Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.