Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER