Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.