Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

sigh

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

Every. Damn. Time.

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?