Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We like the way Dwight thinks

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

As a doctor, I can confirm

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

Matt Goss

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

*Inspirational Tweets*

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.