“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
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*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles