Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway