Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.