Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Have a lovely day 😊

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…