Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

Bless you

i did the math

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

😊🦆

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”