Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

When you’re here for the treats.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.