Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

im 7 sauces long

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Hello Twits.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.