‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
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Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
rise and shine we got egg
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned