Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
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My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Bruh PLEASE
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Toxic snake
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.