Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
You Might Also Like
who did the taste test?
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”