Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Nice try, poison.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Remember folks 😂
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.