@Cheeseboy22: Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it "theiyr're."
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@: I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
@NewDadNotes: [doorbell rings] Me: [opens door] yes? Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
@perlapell: My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.