Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
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I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh