@juliussharpe

Hey movie villains – make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

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@10kbabyspiders

I assume whenever I leave a room Oompa Loompas show up and teach everyone a valuable life lesson in song form around the mistakes I’ve made.

@djdarrellripley

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

@ThaJawn

Werewolf’s wife: IDGAF! It’s a full moon tonight and I will not have you shedding all over! Outside, now!

@KylePlantEmoji

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

@daemonic3

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

@CaucasianJames

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

@RodneyH42

Relationship Status: Even my alarm clock stops responding to me after I bang it

@KatieBurnett

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

@didifalldown

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders