Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

Good morning

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.