“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
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*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.