Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
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Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides