Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Oops I deleted….

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

Something Saturday.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

Who did this…? 💫⚡️