Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
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Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
yes… yes…
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”