“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
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Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]