“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.