Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now