Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
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Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.