Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
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[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.