Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot how to panic. Help

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

That’s incredible! 👌

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

so much to do

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.