Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend