Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.