Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
You Might Also Like
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Who chose this font
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
This is a sub tweet
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!