Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.