Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
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I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.