Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]