Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

This kinda thing happens to me often

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

Buying a well is money well spent.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer