HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
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Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
saving face 👀
Natty or not?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle