HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
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If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Seems kinda suspicious
My boss called in sick of me
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Rt to bother an English speaker
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.