Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

Got ya covered

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)