Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
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I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea