@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

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@WilliamAder

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

@prufrockluvsong

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

@RollAroundSue

Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn’t know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou

@Darlainky

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

@behindyourback

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

@kcmoore51

Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.

– Doctors

@clevinniej

Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today…

Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything…*

@treywafer

Press “three” for Spanish, and press “fo” for Ebonics