Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
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What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn’t know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“It smells like ketchup.”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.
Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today…
Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything…*
Press “three” for Spanish, and press “fo” for Ebonics