Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
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BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Ironic
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*