Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.