Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.