Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.