Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????