Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
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Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Growing out my freckles.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder