Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
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Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.