Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
step 6: release the wall snake
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Liquor Store Parking
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”