@robin_991

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

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@thenoahkinsey

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

@Dawn_M_

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

@MooseAllain

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

@neilhimself

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

@awkwardlyours

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

@Jake_Vig

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.