Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
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If the floor was lava the couch would be on fire, idiot
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
H: Removing unmentionables
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I’m not saying I hate you, I’m just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”