hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
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If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]