@robin_991

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

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@chanelpuke

Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit

@ThaJawn

If the floor was lava the couch would be on fire, idiot

@sixfootcandy

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

@rachelmillman

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

@aaronneedshelp

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

@houffy

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

@lm_GrumpyCat

I’m not saying I hate you, I’m just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.

@TheAlexNevil

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”