@YUCKYBOT

Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

You Might Also Like

@AGreaterMonster

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.

@Mirimade

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

@Spaziotwat

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

@roostermustache

[in catholic church]

Me: can i make a confession

Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU

@NotZaphod

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

@paperphotoyo

Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.

@nyquills

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

@SteveDutzy

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

@mishakey

I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.

@sofarrsogud

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here