Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

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Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough


It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.


I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.


I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.


I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls


therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO


Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.


Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday


Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Tired parents