Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Match dot com, but for socks.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
peep davidson
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers