Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
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If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[in catholic church]
Me: can i make a confession
Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
GOD: We NEVER use that word here