Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

you could not pay me to delete this app

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

consequences, the bane of my existence

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?