Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I put the p in pants.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…