Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
This came to me in a dream.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood