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Strange
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Writing, She Murdered.
Its true…
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed