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heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.