Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street