Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.