ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?
“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”
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Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Me *fawning over 4yo*: you’re cuter than your Dad!
Husband *muttering*: yeah but I’m taller.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That stuff’s 4 serial killers.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
What I texted:
No one like you.
What I meant to text:
No one likes you.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*