@thatUPSdude

Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”

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@Chumpstring

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

@Bob_Heller

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

@dril

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

@JannaKillHimNik

Me *fawning over 4yo*: you’re cuter than your Dad!

Husband *muttering*: yeah but I’m taller.

@dshack8

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That stuff’s 4 serial killers.

@SoulYodeler

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

@runawaycupcake

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

@tweetsvisual

What I texted:
No one like you.

What I meant to text:
No one likes you.

@BoogTweets

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*