DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?