@thatUPSdude

Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”

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@sixfootcandy

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

@urgeekisshowing

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

@WilliamAder

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

@GensPlace

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

@DurtMcHurtt

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

@ericONEderful

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

@Cryptic1iam

Me *whispers*: I need your mouth on me
Him: Yeah? Where?
M *fingers traveling down: Here
H: WTF is THAT?!
M: Snakebite. Stop wasting time

@tree_bro

“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.

@Rollinintheseat

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”