Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?
“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Me *whispers*: I need your mouth on me
Him: Yeah? Where?
M *fingers traveling down: Here
H: WTF is THAT?!
M: Snakebite. Stop wasting time
“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”