hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
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Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?