hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
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If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Meat Cute
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
The news is so predictable nowadays
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence