Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
SONOFA
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
spicy snake
