Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Smile they said.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
this is the best day of my life
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
You wish you had this many chins.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Good morning ☺️
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.