Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication