Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Moms. The original autocorrect.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW