“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”