Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

I’m putting together a team

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.