“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
!!!!!!!!!!!
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Ion see the issue
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.